If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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