she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Vodka?
Forever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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