PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
