He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
