Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
