I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
