On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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