i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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