hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
