my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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