If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
