yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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