I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You need a sexual gate keeper
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
