If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
