At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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