how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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