I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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