i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize