with your own penis?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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