Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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