I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
