Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
