I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
