I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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