I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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