im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
