So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
