I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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