She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
where am i from again
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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