I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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