I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
