If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
