i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
