two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
