And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
