Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
