Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
