where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
