Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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