real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize