i wish there were pregnant emoticons
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
