omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
