I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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