i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
