Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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