guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
