Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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