you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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