When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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