3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
