i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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