We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
