we have officially mastered the walk of shame
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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