it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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